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Dear Bambi


Dear Bambi, (1)

I used one of your senior pictures for this page, this one is my favorite, you look so beautiful.

I suppose all parents have regrets when it comes to how they raise their kids, I just wish I would have huged and kissed you more and told you how very much I Love You, more than I did.

I Miss You So Much and I await the day that I'll be with you again.

Love,
Mom


Dear Bambi, (2)

Well it's been over two years now and I still can't believe that your gone. I spent all my time wishing hoping praying that it wasn't true. I pretended that you were just gone visiting a friend anything I could think of to just not have to deal with it. Then I convinced myself that IF I just believed hard enough for long enough you'd come back. I told myself if anyone could, you would. It even says in the Bible if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains.
I spent every moment praying that God could find it in his heart to let you come back that this just had to be a mistake. This couldn't happen to you, or to me, kids just don't go first!! I didn't sleep, I didn't eat and I shut out everything and everybody. This went on for about a year. Then I started adding to my prayer that if you couldn't come back to just take me too that I couldn't live with the fact that your gone.
Then one night I thought I was coming to join you. In one way I was excited and in another scared. I was excited that I wouldn't have to deal with the fear, the anger, the depression any longer but then on the way to the hospital I thought... what will happen to Machelle, Adam and Jordan. It turned out to be the first of many trips to the hospital and endless trips to the doctor.
They said I had anxiety attacks and then they would say it was panic attacks. That was when they weren't telling me it was all in my head to just get over it. The pain got worse and worse, then my body started shuting down. I was told one day I probably wouldn't make it past the weekend, well... My digestion system shut down, everything that went in came right back out and I started to swell!! They x-rayed me once and said my colon was to the swelled to the point of rupture.
I was so tired and weak and hurt so bad but still wanted to hang around, still hoping that you were going to make it yet. I just got weaker and weaker and still couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was as if someone or something would hit me with She's Gone, either that, or I could picture your truck as it went flipping down the road and I would sit upright for the rest of the night. Then when I did start to get some sleep, the nightmares started...
...The Nightmare...

You are home safe and I am so happy that it was just an awful dream but you were getting ready to leave... (I don't know if this is supposed to have been that day or not)... and I follow you around the house begging you not to go. Please just don't leave Bambi, please just don't go! Not today!! But you can't hear me, it's like I'm not there and I can't touch you. When you walk out of the door with me still pleading for you not to go I wake up.
If only I could touch you, hold you or if you could hear me it might be different. In one way I'm glad when I have this dream, at least I get to see you. I used to go into your room and hug your pillow, it had your scent on it and it was a comfort in a way. But the last time I went to it it only smelled of must. Machelle boxed up your clothes and some of your things, I just couldn't do it, but what was left is like you left it. I don't let anybody touch it!
Oh one thing you would be proud of, your friends still come visit. I was afraid they wouldn't but they do. Every now and then too when I go to the cemetary there is a new thing put out for you :o) Let's see one time there was a picture and a poem, another time there was a letter with a cigarette in it, all kind of different flowers and notes, and someone keeps two new long stemmed red roses on there for you too. I don't know for sure but I think it was the friend that you told that all you ever wanted was two red roses. He also gave me two red roses at your graduation.
Yeah I went ahead and went, it was real hard but I went. They had a empty chair in the middle for you. Your friend Brooke mentioned you in her address to the crowd. They made a page for you in the senior annual too, but I wished they would have put your picture in with the senior's pictures too. We still have your favorite dinner on your birhday and we have a cake for you too. That first year we put eighteen candles on it and Machelle, Adam and Jordan blew them out for you.